5 Steps to Survive A Fascist America | A Satire

America, just a tween on the global scale, may finally be making the full jump into fascism. Other countries around the world have dipped a toe in, wadding their Hugo Boss boots up to their ankles, but most retreated from the stagnant puddle after a short stint; contrarily, others found it a comfortable place to call home (cough cough North Korea, the Phillipines, and many more). America’s appointment of Donald Trump as president was our way of dipping a big toe in, taking a look around, getting shoved full force into the deep end by a caravan of alt-right “militia” (cough cough terrorists).

So what do we do? How do we survive? Here are some tips I’ve laid out:

1. If you will be protesting post-election day, assume you will be beaten by our police and thrown into jail without due process. Because, like, antifa is bad, right? Put those years at that liberal arts college to use and craft some highly functional masks and shields to deflect from police batons and student debt collectors.
2. Military outfits are super on trend. Looking to make a splash in Soho? Grab some olive-green Castro jackets and “make it work!” Pair it with a smokey eye like you’re a guerilla trying to hide in the jungle #camouflage
3. Tired of the co-worker who is always mansplaining, talks too loudly on the phone, or eats nuts at their desk with their mouth open (THE HORROR)? Report them as a communist to HR and get them fired!
4. Afraid of the persecution of your given liberties and religious freedom? Well you should be! Time to legally change your name to the most non-threatening option available: something unassuming like Walsh or Miller. [Can’t keep my Jewish-sounding Myman last name or my mother’s all-too obviously Puerto Rican maiden name, Rivera] When the new fascist police start making their way door-to-door to round us up, make sure you’ve got your American flag proudly displayed next to your “live, laugh, love” wall decor and you should be fine.
5. Start following problematic white men on social media platforms! This will draw the fascists off of your scent. So “hit that subscribe button” on Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro because Profit Over People, right?

There you have: 5 simple steps to surviving a fascist America.

Surviving fascism not really “your thing”? Try Europe! They’ve already gone through their fascism adolescence, but kept all the beautiful fascist architecture — I mean, have you seen the Mussolini-commissioned Fendi building in Rome? So pretty! By keeping a fascist-lite glaze over everything, Europe is eagerly waiting to see how far we take it: will we, the dominating global presence of America, be Number One again?